How Can I Make It More Interesting And Suspenceful?
Spanish Louie closed the door shut of the Doge Caravan. He looked up and down the block to look out for anything suspicious as he made his way into the dingy apartment lobby. When he got into the apartment it was nothing new. He had done this over several dozen times. He was tired from the long drive from the JFK airport back to Bushwick, Brooklyn. The apartment was empty as always but littered with eleven boxes spread throughout the place. The boxes contained 220 kilos of 100% pure cocaine. The workers were ready to cook up the coke into crack and make it into street packages for the crew. Louie sat down on the worn out, 1970’s-esque couch and wiped his forehead. He had been through a lot in the pass few days. His brother had been killed in murder attempt meant for him, his girl Veronica lost his son in a miscarriage, and he was about to turn himself into prison to do four years for a federal gun charge. He felt his beeper vibrating his side. 347-555-1659-00 was the number he saw. Nearly jumping out the seat he started searching through the apartment for a telephone. No luck. He went back outside and walked to the corner of the block to the public payphone. After putting a quarter through the slot and dialing the number he listened as the phone rang several times.
“Yo how we looking” the voice on the other side asked.
Spanish Louie leaned against the phone. “We good man everything should be ready first thing in the morning. I’m thinking nine o’ clock”.
“Aight stay on it. Peace God” the man said and hung up.
Louie made his way back to the apartment. As he went to turn the knob he felt something cold brush up against his temple. He quickly looked to this right and saw a ski-masked man with his hand on a chrome, shiny .45 pistol. Before he knew it he was being patted down by two other ski-masked men. He was relieved of his .9MM pistol and a wad of money in his pocket.
“Don’t make no funny moves. We just want what’s up in here. So cooperate and doc won’t have to operate aight nigga?” the lead ski-masked man ordered as he hept the gun pointed at Louie’s face.
Louie opened the door and was knocked to the ground by the lead gunman with a blow from the butt of the gun.
“Everybody get the fuk on the ground!” screamed one of the gunmen. The gunmen pointed their firearms at Louie’s two friends Kiko and Jose. The workers, naked females, put their hands in the air. The lead gunmen instucted his cronies to disarm Kiko and Jose knowing they was the only dudes with guns in the place.
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I NEED HELP WITH THE REST PEOPLE. THE GUNMEN ARE INFAMOUS STICK UP MEN FROM THE FORT GREEN PROJECTS AND THEY ARE THERE TO ROB THE PLACE AND KILL EVERYONE THERE (9 PEOPLE). HOW CAN I MAKE IT MORE INTERESTING AND SUSPENCEFUL. PLEASEE HELP.
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Filed under Bushwick by on Apr 23rd, 2008. 
Comments on How Can I Make It More Interesting And Suspenceful?
it’s good
You have some problems in your research: There is no such thing as 100% pure cocaine (it’s not even manufactured that pure). If you don’t understand this, it’s because you’re thinking of cocaine as something that is made, wheres cocaine is ALREADY present as an alkaloid in the leaves of the coca plant. To say that cocaine is 100% pure is to say that the individuals who extracted the cocaine extracted EVERY SINGLE bit. Also, it’s very unlikely that the “thugs” would cook up 220 kilos of cocaine in an apartment…when cooking crack, a very foul odor is omitted, and with that much cocaine, someone in the building is certain to call the authorities (how do you think so many meth labs are busted…neighbors reporting the smell).
Work on the punctuation , especially in your dialogue (i.e. “We’re good, Man. Everything should be ready first thing in the morning-I’m thinking nine o’ clock” instead of “We good man everything should be ready first thing in the morning. I’m thinking nine o’ clock”.)
And it would be “…been though a lot in the PASSED few days…”
Louie made his way back to the apartment, his mind on nothing but the apprehension he had for the next coming days. Reaching the door, he made a grab for the handle, but suddenly halted to a dead stop…
A cold chill ran down his spine as he realized that the pressure he was feeling on his temple was that of a pistol.
A husky man, about his height, stood beside Louie pressing his metallic .45 calibre into his face. He wore a black ski mask, with two eye-holes and a mouth piece cut out in the traditional bandit fashion.
Before Louie even had time to register what was taking place, two more men in similar masks hastily made their way up the stairs, joining the first. Louie was patted from head to toe, and relieved of his .9 MM Beretta and wad of American currency…